A child's success largely depends on their early life experiences, which they gain from their home environment and parents. Neuroscientist Bruce Lipton states that the first seven years of a child’s life are their programming years. What children learn during this period stays with them throughout their lives and shapes how they live. To illustrate, just like the programming of a computer determines its functionality, children’s early programming affects their development. Hackers often have well-programmed computers with high-quality components, demonstrating the importance of good programming.
When a person becomes a parent, their life changes entirely. Their focus shifts to their children, and they strive to provide them with the best life possible. However, many parents unknowingly adopt habits that can negatively impact their children's personalities.
Here are some common mistakes parents should avoid:
Preventing Children from Experiencing New Things: Parents often stop their children from trying new experiences. When children are not allowed to play outside, fall, or get hurt, they become overly sensitive or fearful. As they grow up, these fears manifest as various psychological issues, preventing them from seizing many opportunities in life.
Equal Feedback for Everyone's Performance: If one child succeeds and another fails, parents often give both children gifts and encouragement, thinking this will prevent the failed child from feeling bad. While this might seem fair, it can be harmful to both children. The unsuccessful child learns not to value their failures because they receive the same rewards and encouragement as the successful child. Conversely, the successful child may not value their achievements because they see no difference in how their parents react to their success and their sibling’s failure. This can lead to a lack of motivation to strive for success.
According to Pakistani psychologist Dr. Syeda Fareeha Irm Rizvi, in a study published in the Pakistan Journal of Medical Science involving 300 students aged 13 to 17 (57% boys and 43% girls), it was found that abuse often comes from parents. This abuse has long-term negative effects on children, severely damaging their personalities. The study revealed that 10 to 49 percent of children subjected to psychological abuse by their parents are likely to develop various psychological problems.
Research from different countries also shows that parental verbal abuse and mistreatment can have the same psychological impact on children as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) does on soldiers returning from war. In our society, parents believe they have the right to scold, beat, and even insult their children, thinking that without strictness, children will not be disciplined. This mindset is reflected in sayings like, "Spare the rod, spoil the child."
Moreover, parental physical or psychological abuse is often considered a domestic issue and part of child-rearing, with no outside intervention allowed. Consequently, such abuse is neither reported nor recorded. Dr. Fareeha Irm Rizvi, speaking to the BBC, stated that actions like scolding, bullying, and insulting have severe effects on children, including anxiety, depression, addiction, aggressive behavior, criminal tendencies, and a disregard for peace.
She further noted that these issues directly affect children’s academic performance, leading to higher dropout rates compared to their peers. Such children can become burdens not only on their families but also on society. The study focused only on children living with both parents, but Fareeha Rizvi believes the situation might be worse for children living with a single parent.
She stressed that this is particularly concerning because there are inadequate mental health facilities for children and adolescents in our country. During the research, children aged 13 to 17 from both government and private schools were given specific forms to describe five types of parental abuse they experienced. The scientific analysis of their responses and psychological evaluations revealed that paternal aggression and maternal mistreatment were the primary causes of psychological issues in children. The study showed that mothers were responsible for 15% and fathers for 17% of the abuse.
The research also considered the parents' education levels and found that both less and more educated parents engage in psychological abuse. However, less educated and lower-income parents were more likely to physically abuse their children. Fareeha Rizvi stated that this research was limited to urban children, but similar studies in rural and remote areas might yield even more negative results.
The research indicated that even an unborn child is affected by the external environment. A healthy home environment positively influences the child's psyche, while a conflict-ridden home environment negatively impacts the child's mental health.
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